10 Commandments of Parenting Jim Schleicher, M.Div., spoke to Lipscomb Academy on January 17, at the elementary school. The talk was titled the “10 commandments of Parenting”. Mr. Schleicher is a licensed marital and family therapist and licensed professional counselor, who has been practicing in the Nashville community for more than 40 years. In addition to his counseling practice, Mr. Schleicher is also a consultant and an engaging presenter who makes frequent guest appearances with various organizations and school groups. He and his wife Olivia have six children and nine grandchildren. The following article was compiled from notes taken at the lecture. Mr. Schleicher opened his presentation by saying that children have not changed over time, but that parenting has. Parenting has become increasingly less clear. He said that each home has a culture and energy of it’s own and it is the parents that establish this. He also added that successful, happy children are often a product of a healthy happy home. Studies show that a family that eats meals together, does community service together and has a spiritual emphasis are more likely to produce healthy, unspoiled, “unentitled” children. The 10 points below are suggestions Jim made about how to make your home culture operate more effectively and efficiently.
1) SLOW DOWN AND BE PRESENT In our culture we are prone to busyness and over scheduling. We have made multitasking an attribute and consequently we are seldom fully present. Due to these circumstances there is an increase in the diagnosis of chronic anxiety. Our children lack our full presence and therefore they are lacking security and focus. Make time to be present. Take some time to turn off your cell phone, your computer, television, etc..
2) LET YOUR CHILD GO TO SCHOOL Let your children have the experience and responsibility of school. You have already been to school. They need to get their work done on their own and be responsible for gathering the information from the teacher. The teachers want to teach your child and parents often have the attitude that the teacher must be doing a poor job if their child has not gotten the complete assignment or has made a bad grade. Parents need to guide their children but not do the work for them or fix their situations. On another note, the choice of schools is up to the parents, not the child.
3) LET YOUR CHILD HAVE A BAD TEACHER In life we will have many people we do not “jell” with. Parents today have a tendency to try to make everything “right” for their children. There is an increase of a form of depression called “learned helplessness” because of this parental over involvement in the resolution of unpleasant situations. They will hear from their child, “my teacher never covered that in class” and will jump on the bandwagon. The parents response should be, “It is your responsibility to learn the information and to learn from this.”
4) TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO LOSE Hopefully we will have many natural opportunities to teach to lose. Our children realistically cannot be first in everything. When children cannot accept their losses they will not be able to rejoice in the successes of others. Our culture has put up a very high standard, where a “C” used to be average, now we are considering it to be a failure. We should train our children to do their best, to be content with their successes and compliant with their losses. Ability to lose correlates with capacity for empathy.
5) STAY CURIOUS In our task oriented society we tend to be more about getting it done rather than what are we doing and why are we doing it. Ask your child, “what are you learning” and “what is your homework”, rather than focusing on the completion of the task and the grade
6) MODEL RESPECT AND INSIST ON IT Statistics show that 93% of our communication is non-verbal, what we show with our expressions and body. Our job as parents is to model respect in our homes. We give the best example of this by the way we treat our spouses and each other. We must hold our children to a high standard of respect in the way they treat parents and siblings.
7) STAY IN THE ADULT WORLD Our marriages often get the crumbs of our energy. We spend so much time and energy on our children’s scheduling and functions that we neglect the greatest security we can give them by having a healthy, happy marriage. Who are the parents best friends? We need to have best friends who are adults and spend time in that world.
8) OWN YOUR OWN HOME A child’s bedroom is not “his room”. His room is a room in your house. It is important for us to teach our children to keep up the space that we have allotted to them (their room) and to make a contribution to the upkeep of the household. Your child should keep his room tidy and have some duties around the home. Statistics show that kids who keep their rooms neat are again less spoiled.
9) GIVE LESS Children are lacking enthusiasm about getting out into the world and on their own because they see no excitement about becoming an adult. Much of this is due to the fact that parents have indulged them. By the time they graduate from high school they have been to more fancy restaurants, gone more exotic places, been in more stretch limos and have more material possessions than should be available in a lifetime. They have done it all and have little to look forward to or to aim for. Even if you are able to provide extravagance for them, leave things to look forward to.
10) LIVE LIKE A BLESSED PERSON We have all heard that laughter is the best medicine and a joyful heart is good medicine. Gratitude greatly displaces anxiety. We need to practice and to teach our children thankfulness and gratitude. Work to find three things you are thankful for.
